For a long time I have been lying to myself. I have been living happily, but the happiness has only been skin deep. I wish that this weren’t so, and I wish that I had been able to change all by myself. But I got caught. I have been neglecting what it is that I know that I have been needing to do: i.e. study, plan, and be altogether productive. I fell back into that rut; in fact, when I gave up Facebook for a month, it only made it worse. I went searching for something to fill the gap, and it wasn’t something that was healthy or even worthwhile. I started to watch TV shows on the internet and slacking off. The thing about that is all the while, I know that I wasn’t doing what it was that I needed to do. I knew that I was being unhealthy. But I got tired of losing that battle: and let me allow you the satisfaction of knowing that I didn’t go down without a fight. But I lost. I kept losing. And I got tired of fighting. So I gave in.
So, for the past four or five months, I have been living in this bubble. I’ve been losing oxygen, but I’ve been to scared to call out for help, scared of getting caught, and scared that they will pop my little bubble. I got really attached to my bubble.
But I did get caught. Or, rather, I got shamed into changing. For a long time, I knew the cause of all my distractions and problems, I just didn’t want to tell anyone. I was too ashamed. And then there were times that something came up, say I laughed at a joke that only made sense to me because I had seen it in the TV show I had hulu-ed, and mom gave me a queer look. I was either forced to come up with an excuse as to why I thought that was funny, or try to evade her asking me the question altogether. This got understandably problematic and rather exhausting. And made me very, very heavy-hearted.
So, when I got caught, I realized why I had been forming these addictions: 1) because I give in too easily to laziness and putting things off, and 2) because I wasn’t ready to plan for the future. I was scared. I occasionally talked about moving out soon, partly because I thought that if I plopped myself into the world that I would finally have a reality check and I’d be forced to figure everything out and put my life together.
But then I started talking. I told someone I needed help, that it was the first step to being healed. I finally confessed all of the things that two hours before I would have been shocked to learn I had confided with someone. But once I started, everything came out. Everything that I had been doing and putting off was finally being voiced.
I no longer have a great weight on my heart. I can call out in the middle of the day (having moved downstairs to where the rest of my family is doing school), “Help me focus! I’m slipping!”
And, because my family is so wonderful, they help me get back on track.
I am being made into a new person. Again.
So for the next year, I’m fasting from sugar and reading through the Bible. Each day, I hope to learn something special and wonderful from the one who recreates all things and makes them whole again.
So here’s day one’s lesson. May you see Genesis 1, 2, and 3 in a new, interesting light.
Praise be to God, the author, provider, and patient Father of us all!

“In the beginning, she was formless and empty; darkness was over the surfaces of her depths, and the Spirit of God was hovering over her waters.
And then God said, “Let there be light!” And thus he separated the light from the darkness she’d been living in.”
In the first few verses, God is trying to show how He is taking my life: the ways I have messed up, lied about, etc., and starting over. He uses pictures to show my life as it is and how He wants to change it.
“And then God said, ‘Let there be an expanse between the waters.” He separated her waters under the expanse from the water above, and called the expanse ‘sky.’”
He is separating the parts of my that are harmful, and He is giving me a sky – a boundary to keep me safe.
“The God said, ‘Let the land produce vegetation with seeds according to their various kinds.”
Land = Foundation, focus and my education. He wants me to grow and let myself learn, bear much fruit.
“God made two great lights. The greater light governed the day; the lesser governed the night. And He mad stars to pattern the expanse of the sky.”
The greatest light is what is most important for me to do: learn, educate myself, work, and prepare myself for the future goals that I wish to have. The lesser light is what is important to me: sleep, fun, and playtime. They are both important, but one is more vital than the other.
“Then God made living things: birds and sea creatures, and every living and moving thing was according to their kind. God blessed them and said, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth.’ And everything grew and multiplied according to its own kind.”
He wants me to learn in different ways, to search and find, fill my mind with many wonderful things. Learn math, science, history, geography, read literature, how to speak, how to live, etc.
“And then God said, ‘let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let him rule over the earth we have created.’ So God created man in his own image; in the image of God he created him.”
This is the recreation and growth process. He wants me to be a part of life, not a piece of dust in the wind.
“Then God said, ‘I give you every seed bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that had fruit. They are yours to eat.”
Learn and educate yourself with the fruit of knowledge.
“And on the seventh day, when God was finished the work he had been doing, he rested.”
There is time for a rest after a hard days work. But only after you have earned it.
“The Lord God has not sent rain on the earth, but the streams came up and watered the whole surface of the earth. The Lord God had formed the man from the dust of the ground.”
As long as I am with Him, he will provide for my needs. When I sin, He will send the rain to clense.
“God had planted a garden in the Eden, and there he put the man he had formed. The Lord God made all kinds of trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.”
There are so many things out there that are beautiful when seen through God’s eyes. But I must live with my distractions. And some of them will be in the middle of my life – for instance, the internet.
“God took the ma and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. ‘You are free,’ said the Lord God, ‘to eat from any tree in the garden, but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it, you will surely die.’ And then God saw that it wasn’t good for man to be alone.”
My first job is to govern what God has given me to govern. Bad things happen when I give in. God desires friendship for me, company along life’s journey.
“God brought birds and animals to the man to see what he would name them.”
God is as interested in what I do as I should be. He is delighted to see me active. He gives me the ability and responsibility to take things into my own hands.
“No suitable helper was to be found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall asleep, and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and created a woman and he brought her to the man.”
When he is ready, and I am ready, God will bring me to him.
“The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”
When I meet the right one, nothing with stop him from loving me for who I am. I shouldn’t feel ashamed about anything.
I need to get back to a place where I have nothing to hide. From anyone.
The woman is deceived by the serpent and brings her husband down with her. And then they realize they are naked and try to hide. They want to try to hide their shame instead of confessing. And when God asked what’s happened – even though He already knows what’s happened, he wants us to own up to it – our first instinct is to blame it on someone else. And though they can overcome the sin and the shame, I will still have to deal with the consequences.
“You desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
The desire to want to find the one I’ll spend my life with is natural.
“The Lord made garments for Adam and Even and clothed them.”
Even when I sin, he still provides for me.

And, as a last thought of the day… I wonder if they ever tried to go back to the Garden of Eden after they were banished… Would the shame have been too much to bear? Or did they ever try to return to the place where things had been better…

Why is that, might I ask?

Two days ago I was a lazy potato whose ultimate obsession was Facebook. But a two hour talk with an elder about getting my ass of the couch and being productive with my time – not to mention the reminder that if I didn’t , my dad would be in a seriously tumultous outrage that would burn the hair off a pig – and I decided to start living my life again. Not just enjoying it, but truly living it.

I gave up a few of the thing in my life that I know I struggled with and began to open my eyes to not only possibilities, but the things in life that I could love. It’s true that today is just one day. But today was followed by a great day and will precede an excellent day. I have faith that tomorrow will be just as amazing as today was – full of life, of revelations, of work, and passion.

So, I guess what I’m saying, is that you’ll hear a lot more from me from now on. I’m decided to attempt a blog once a day. I’m not guaranteeing success with this goal, but I’ll definitely be here a thousand times as much as I used to be.

So here’s to freedom and life. Here’s to tomorrow: May it be excellent, fruitful, and full of passion.

Obviously I don’t mean to offend anyone; my intentions are innocent. When I say that waiting for love until you are pointed in the right direction is a silly concept, I’m in no way attempting to ruffle feathers.

But let me try to explain what I mean. Every great leader had to explain himself at one point or another.

What if your ultimate goal is love? Is that such a horrible thing? Our nation has moved into this way of thinking that, because everyone is equal – men and women specifically, of any race – our careers have become the subject, the object of our goals and dreams. We are each grafted with different aspirations, but our core instincts have been trained to follow our hearts to achieve whatever position in life we so desire. The seed of power has been planted, and we have forgotten the simple dreams of love.

Women want to be loved; it is a natural concept. We want to be touched, wanted, needed, sought after, and fought for. We have wanted this since the beginning of time. It is what we were made for.

You see, men want someone to love; this also is a natural concept. They are passionate beings who thrive off of winning the hearts of a lady, being tested beyond their limits, pushing themselves to win the right to have us, and ultimately satisfying themselves knowing they got the girl and she is theirs forever.

Recently, women have begun to abhor this about men.

Our world is changing; wives are beginning to support their husbands. I am not in any way against this. I am, however, grieved to know that love is no longer the object of so many people, women in particular – only because it was programmed into us so long ago.

To conclude, I refuse to believe that you should wait, that you are not ready until your life is planned out and you are on the highway driving towards your greater goal. I want to love now. That is not to be confused with desperation. I don’t want to wait until my ‘life’ as the world sees it has started. I want to share that with the one I love.

Some people are ready long before others are, that I believe. Some people have a hard time letting people in, or they simply want to start their life alone. I am absloutely not judging those people. To judge others is to bring judgement upon yourself; a fact I learned well. What I am not okay with, is people telling me that I’m too young, that I need to wait. Again, that is absurd. I’m not saying that I have fooled myself into thinking that I can handle any challenge that having a relationship presents. I haven’t ever been in one, so I wouldn’t know how to deal with a man that demands my time and friends who end up being left out more often than not because my thoughts and actions are focused elsewhere. What I’m saying is that I have been taught well; my parents have showed me how to think responsively and on my own two feet. And so I say that I am ready to love and to have that affection be reciprocated. I want to start my life with a person I love, to share with him my trials and failures and ultimately, my successes. And I want to be there for his as well.

So don’t you dare say I’m too young. I understand not having goals dependent on another person and that I should focus my attention on myself. Have a little faith.

I wish I could tell you that God is not the problem and that you would believe me when I said it. I wish that I could be the one to show you that God has not forsaken you, God has not taken everything from you out of spite, He hasn’t found pleasure in your pain; and in hearing all of these things, I wish that you would believe me and realise that you are *never* alone.

There is a time for everything. God’s watch is not your’s. He has His own timing for everything. When you want Him to show up, that doesn’t mean that He will. But when I say that, I’m not insinuating that He doesn’t care about you. His timing is perfect, and He doesn’t show up when *you* think you are ready; He shows up when *He knows* you are ready.

Our generation has an I-want-it-now standard that we *all* live by. I am not as patient as I should be. We live in a world full of people who live day-to-day on their own self respect, working for the right to say that they deserve something from people. We support ourselves. Sometimes we even support others. We build our pride around us like a fortress of protection. Some won’t let people get close to them. Others let people get too close. Some people are simply numb inside. It’s human to blaim our hurting and our problems on others. God gets blaimed the most.
“He wasn’t there when I needed him.”
“Why didn’t he save her/him?”
“If he is so powerful and just, then why do I live in hell every day of my life?”
“I hate you.”
“Belive in God? What God? There is no God. If there were, he wouldn’t let bad things happen to good people.”

What happens – and it’s been proven again and again and again – is that God waits until you have no where to turn to, no where to go, and then He works His miracles. Some people just have to hit rick bottom before they are ready to trust Him. Some people are more willing to turn to Him before they’ve dug themselves into a hole. It depends on who you are, where you’ve been, what your situation is. God hasn’t left you, He’s waiting for you to be completely ready for Him to be your everything.

I wish that I could send this to you, that you would read it and finally understand. Blaiming God for the bad things, for your problems, won’t help anything. I understand venting, getting it out so that it doesn’t remain bottled up inside of you, ulitmately exploding and alienating you from everyone you love. I get that. But what *you* have to understand – and I don’t say this accusing you or pointing a finger (please, please don’t take it that way) – is that God doesn’t opperate on your schedule, your clock, or in the parameters your comfort zone. Ultimately, *He* is the one that knows what is best for *you*. He is so much more powerful and loving than you could ever imagine. He will wait until you are ready to trust Him, because He can’t barge into your heart – you have to let him in.

If you’re done waiting for God to enter your life and work his miracle, if you’re fed up and impatient, if you are sick and tired of feeling helpless and alone, *that* is when he comes. When you have no where to go, you find that you have walked into a corner, hit a dead end, stop blaiming Him for it. *You* are the one that walked there.

*We* are the problem. It’s hard for us to admit it, but it’s the truth. We are the ones that hate, steal, lie, sin, and yet He still loves us. I’m a sure of this. You want to know how I know that?

Because He saved me. Every time I walk myself into a corner like and idiot, all I do is look up and there He is. I’m not saying I do it every time. I take detours and shot cuts which lead me down rough paths. But I’m a free person. In my heart, in my very soul, I am free. He saved me. I can feel it in every breath that I take, in every smile that crosses my face, in every drop of rain that falls from the sky. You are musicians. You should understand the magic of the soul and the power of feeling. Well guess what, that hurt you are feeling, that pain that you throw back in His face, He could take all of that away from you. You could be free too.

He could save you. You just have to let Him. Blaiming Him accomplishes nothing. I’ve been down that road before.

-From someone who cares and wishes you all of the best that life has to offer
-From someone who hates to see you suffer
-From a friend whose heart reaches out towards an angry one

He never will leave you. You have the choice to leave Him… or follow Him…

And so I pray: Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my supplications! In Your faithfulness and righteousness answer me! And don’t judge me, for in Your sight no man who lives is righteous or unrighteous.
The enemy has pursued and persecuted my soul, he has crushed my heart down to the ground. My spirit is overwhelmed and cries within me; my heart inside my chest grows numb.
I remember when I was young and everything about you set me in awe of you; every thing I knew came from you. Now I have fallen away from you and think only of things that I desire.
Now I reach for you, thirsting for the feel of your presence and desperate for your reassurance that you have it all under control and you know where I am going. Please anwer me now! My spirit fails me. Don’t you hide from me now, for I may lose all courage and faith.
Make me hear you in the morning when I wake, for what am I to do now but to lean on you and put my faith wholly in you? Help me understand where I should go and what I am to do; I cry out to you and I give you my heart. I hide in you, for you alone can save me from my suffering and the memories that are too hard for me to think of.
Teach me once again how to follow you and how to sing to you and only you; how to live and how to focus. You are my God. I miss you. Save me, for I am heading in the wrong direction. Love me enough to bring my life back to where it was, away from the things that I trouble myself with and worry about.
And in your love and mercy, cut me off from the things that I long for so much that it hurts me when I don’t get them. My eagerness is my enemy. Free me from it. I am yours.

And God said: I am glad now. Not that you have been pained, but because you were pained into repentence. You have felt the grief I wanted you to feel. The pain that I allowed you to feel has given you only one option, and that is to come back to me. Though you may regret not coming to me sooner, or regret spending so much of your time focused on other things, it shall only lead to your ruin.

And I said: I called upon the Lord to free me from this thorn in my flesh that kept me fixated on the stuff of my desires. I begged him to relieve me from longing and the agony I felt when I didn’t get what I wanted. Why must I cry over things I can’t have, why must I struggle with favoring them over God?

And he said: My grace is enough for you. My strength and my power are made perfect and show themselves most effective in your weakness.

And I said: Lord, through my faith dwell in my heart. Make me rooted in love and founded securely on it. Find me a man who is just what I need and bring him in your own time, in your own way. Give me strength to wait, help me walk my path until such a day presents itself that you finally give him over to me. Make me patient, make me happy through you. Help this restless sould find it’s home, it’s place, it’s love in you. That I will have the power and strength to grasp the exerience of love that you give – what is the heighth, the breadth, and the length of it. That I would truly come to know your love which far surpasses the mere knowledge of its exsistence. Fill me fully with yourself, flooding me with who you are and your divine presence. And now to You, who is able to carry out our purpose and superabundantly supply far over and above all that I could ever dare to ask or think, be the glory – forever and ever. In the mighty and holy name of Jesus, Amen. It is well with my soul.

And he said: I have passed over you in the past, but now I see you and this time you have matured and are ready for love. I will wrap you in my glory and splendor, if you will let me, and will make you twice as beautiful, if not moreso, than you ever have been. Be faithfull to me, love me, choose me, trust me, and your beauty shall be much greater than it ever could have been without me. Follow me, and I will give you peace.

2 – When amongst serious company, whose faces show signs of fatigue or their personality is merely strict and sofisticated in manner, make sure to be the first to shout out, “That’s What She Said!” to anything even remotely sexual. Trust me, you’ll get their attention.

3 – You must always talk as though the people on the other end of the room are in dire need of hearing what you have to say, even if you are simply talking to a few people within a five foot radius or closer.

4 – When at a party and someone pulls out a camera and says, “Cheese,” instead, say, “Marshmellow,” and you will through the whole picture off balance with everyone shining their teeth at the camera and you look like you are whistling. On a similar note, never, under any circumstances pose like the gender that you are. If you are male, pop your leg up behind you; if you are female, through up those guns. Make sure you never mirror what the others are doing. Idiotically creative is what you want to shoot for.

5 – When there is a mass of people all being told directions on how to play a game, crack jokes the entire time, either at what the leader is saying or at your friend whom you just spit on when you laughed. The intent here is that you are completely oblivious as to what the hell you are doing when the game starts.

6 – Always know that whatever the situation, you are in charge. When a peer gets up to say something, know that you could most certainly say it better and act on that instinct. It will serve you well.

7 – Always make your opinion known. If you see someone doing something stupid that you would do another way, step in and lead them to the right path, staying to make sure that they follow-through with your instructions and wise, educated teaching.

8 – Remember always that you know it all and that the world is merely an ornament hanging from your Christmas tree which you hung yourself. You should be in control because everyone looks up to you to make decisions and you, being the god that you are, must show them kindness in offering your knowledge.

9 – Never be silent. Never be still. Be always active and talking. Never let anyone get a word in edgewise. Be bright and shiny and blind people with your winning personality. Blast their eardrums with your loud, booming voice and make them feel totally uncomfortable by invading their comfort zone- touching them, hugging them, slapping them… Always feel that their bubble is merely an inconvenience and burst it as often as you like.

10 – Make fun of everything that anyone says, even if it’s only the slightest bit of a slip up. Take, for instance, instead of saying, “Turtle doves,” they say, “Durtle toves,” that is funny. Laugh. Make it funnier than it really is because, let’s face it, you have the best sense of humor there is and they can just suck it up and laugh along with you. (We all know that your laugh, though loud, is intensely infectious)

11 – Blame everything on someone else… Namely your sibling(s).

12 – And the last one for now (you’ve already taken up enough of my precious time); when attempting to woo the opposite sex, dont’ talk to them. At all. Just look at them; they’ll know in an instant what you are trying to convey to them–that you don’t have th nerve to go up and talk to them and that you would very much like it if they came over and talked to you. If they don’t get it right away, then just keep on doing what you are doing. Some people are just slower than others.

And that concludes this extensive list. If you are one of those idiotic stupid-heads that already have all these down, you are in good shape. If not, don’t worry. Just follow my lead and I’ll bring you right down to my level. I’ve dug a hole for myself, just hop on in with me; it gets lonely down here…

Let me put it plainly for you: I am a horror when it comes to guys. I’m serious. When I finally pluck up enough courage, or am forcibly pushed (literaly) towards them, the fact that a pretty girl is talking to them is completely lost when I open my mouth. Talk about ruining what chance you have.

I’m not kidding here. I start talking and they start running.

Like, for example, a few days ago. I finally plucked up enough stamina to go over and talk to this guy. He was nice and, let me tell you, he liked to talk. But when he started asking ME questions, I (being the utter, stupid, silly girl that I am) answered his question. Now, you may be thinking, isn’t that a good thing? HA! No. You see, when he asked, “Where are you going to college?” I didn’t just say, “I’m taking college online,” I poured my heart and soul out to the poor guy. I told him the why’s and how’s, etc. When he asked me, “What degree would you like to get?” I didn’t just answer, “English/Math/History/Martial Arts,” I poured my freaking heart out to the guy. I talked about wanting to homeschool my kids and so I had to get a degree in something. WHO TALKS ABOUT THEIR FREAKING KIDS WHEN A) you don’t have any, AND B) it’s your first time to talk to this guy!!!!!!?????
Evidentally I do.

I’m so lame.
I’m sure many women have done it before me and and thousands of millions have done it afterwards.

But our story isn’t over folks, nay. After talking to him about “my life’s choices and my dying wish”, oh and don’t forget the kids (unfortunately he might have taken that as insinuation); I asked him to come sit with us for an hour or so. The poor guy was probably grinding his teeth and pulling his hair out.

I was a good girl, I asked him questions about himself. But mostly I didn’t even talk to him. Stupid.

I’m not saying that I was a complete failure, but I walked away from that feeling like a child and less like the adult that I am… becoming.

The other day, one of my favorite people in the entire world (mostly because she reminds me of myself, she is beautiful, and she is so sweet to my mother and I) told me her story of how her and her husband met. She was fresh out of high school, working her first job, and he (14 years older than she) also worked in the same office as she did. He snatched her up before any one else could get to her. In her words she said, “He told me that he would ruin me for all other men and I said, ‘Sign me up!’” This she said while giggling like a school girl and while he, standing tall and regal, smiled down at her with eyes full of love.

I think she is so adorable. She’s got that boistrous laugh, those active, restless eyes, an apetite for romance, and a heart to dance. I really do see her as me in about ten years. So forgive me if I want to have exactly what she has. I’m not saying I want her husband or that I envy her life in any respect. The thought that I’m trying to convey is one of hope, petition, and sorrow. I see her smile and his response as a beacon of hope that I, too, shall find my someone. I plead that he will be able to look past my chatter and my bothersome mouth and see that my words are all that I have, and that he will love me for them. I am sad that this disease that clings to my lips has chased boys away and a few good men.

I am tired of trying. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of botching it all up when I get my chance to try again. My stupid mouth won’t stop flapping. My silly heart won’t stop falling.

“I’m never speaking up again; it only hurts me. I’d rather be a mystery than [he] desert me.” -John Mayer (edited for obvious reasons)
Everyone’s got a disease. Mine just happens to be on my lips, especially when a potential walks by. Right now, I’m just going to not speak. I’ll change my mind about it, don’t get me wrong; people like me just can’t be contained inside. But, for right now, I’m punishing my mouth for saying too much and for getting me in trouble once again.

Stupid mouth.

For some it happens at an earlier age. At some point in their youthful life they realize that they are their own caretaker and that providing for their family is their job, by default; vicariously. For others, whose lives have been sheltered and then one day they are thrust into the world to live for themselves, most don’t recognize growth until much later.

But for me, I didn’t recognize it until reality came to me and tapped me lightly on the shoulder.

I’ve reached that age when I’m not a child anymore. I no longer am alowed to lean into the shoulders of my parents without raising eyebrows. People confide in me, whereas before they just smiled and said, “You’ll understand someday.” That day came and went; I still don’t understand everything they told me that I would, but I’m old enough now to be given the truth, even if it hurts sometimes. I’m old enough now to make choices for myself and am no longer under the protection of my parents when it comes to me being my own individual. In that, it must be understood, that I have always been given a certain freedom, but now I speak for myself, and others treat me as a mature adult.

So, when someone sayes that life comes at you fast, this is what they mean: One moment you are a child and the next, though the natural course of time has, indeed, changed you, you are an adult; you have grown up; and you are instantly moved from one category of human age to the next. I cannot say with certainty that many of these moments will occur, for I have only lived thus far and have experienced only one of these moments, but I can say with ultimate authority that it is within my power to utilize this moment, this reality, this life, and make it worth living. I can love the people in my life that have helped me attain this new vision and become an encourager for those yet to attain such clarity. I can live in this moment, for that is all I have been given, and I can observe with newfound certainty of heart and of eye.

But that’s not the best part of growing up. Being able to understand a person’s sacrifices with greater awe, loving another, not just because of a childish adoration, but because of their struggles and their imperfections is a great gift that I never would have thought to miss. But now that I have grasped hold of all that a child finds boring and perplexing, I am finally able to perceive love in a new and transparent light.

‘Tis a fine gift indeed.

Edward – the perfect guy. In my eyes, as a girl, he is, of course, without fault – on first impressions, anyway. Stephanie Meyer is my idol. She created this person who is so beautiful, so terrible, so exquisitely intricate that you can’t NOT love him. Even the Jacob fans can’t dismiss Edward’s sweet candor and kindness. And yet, in spite of it all, he hates himself. He loathes the monster inside him. He beats himself up for this thing, this villain on his tongue, demoralizing his senses. He is weak in his strengh.
He wants nothing of this life for the woman that he loves. It tortures him that she desires to be the monster that he so depises. All he wants for her is to live a long, human existence, full of life and love and sleep. He hates the fact that she won’t give up her efforts, but inside, in the darkest part of who he is, he wants her to be with him forever; he wants to be able to love her the way he has always wanted to.
Because he knows if he ever lost her, he would lose himself.
He sees her as every girl wishes to be seen: as beautiful. My heart melted when she finally sees herself as beautiful and in response, he simply and unabashedly states, “I’ve always thought you were beautiful.”

People try to compare Harry Potter and Twilight. My opinion is that you can’t. Harry Potter is so much different in so many ways. Rowling’s main character is real. Aside from being a wizard, he thinks and acts like a teenage boy would think and act. He makes major mistakes that any imperfect boy would make. His pride, his inner need to do everything himself – not trusting anyone – are the normal feelings of a normal boy.
In Twilight, no one is realistic. With the exception of maybe Charlie. Bella is ‘blah’ and I refuse to write anything about her because she deserves none of my attention. And Edward… is perfect. He is from a teenage girl’s dream. He does everything and anything that a teenage girls wants from her perfect man. He is everything we never knew we always wanted.
So comparing the two is worthless and stupid, in my personal opinion. Besides, why can’t we all love both?

I find it hard to live with the fact that it is all over. Twilight has ended and there is nothing left. The movies, of course, will be wonderful and the beautiful reminder of what used to be good. And there is always the option of rereading that which you have already read time and time again. So what’s to say taht my solioquy is over. In fact, it may have just begun. Blaim Stephanie Meyer. Or thank her. Whatever your preference. I wish that I could meet her and just talk to her about her characters – see the paasion in her eyes as she speaks the names of each. Maybe someday.

‘Till then, let Twilight live on in our hearts and let Edward be the love of ours lives until we find one for ourselves. Then we can give him back to Bella. But not a day before.