Hey guys! I found this a few moments ago. I’d written it after I had liked this guy for a really long time, had told him so and he said he only liked me as a friend. I just thought I’d share it with you since it is still a part of my soul and my heart. I actually wrote it the day after Heath Ledger died. Weird.

So I know that every time that I write in my blog, my life is displayed for all of the people who care to see and comment on. Like reading about a celebrity, only less exciting; though, I must add, much more easy to identify with. Not very many people can say they had enough money to die from drug overdose, (like the supposed cause of the death of the Used-To-Be-Semi-Good-Actor Heath Ledger). I’m sure that people are thinking that he died because he played a gay guy in that one movie, and if you ask me, that’s bull cause God doesn’t judge that kind of stuff. It makes me sick when ‘christians’, who are supposed to be encouragers, people of Christ, my brothers and sisters, judge others who struggle and sin just as much as they do. It makes me mad that the preacher of that one church that protests gay marriages is going to attend Heath Ledger’s funeral just for another chance to protest and hear himself talk. GAH! it makes me so mad!
But, this blog isn’t about that; it’s about me. Me and the fact that once again I didn’t get what I wanted. Me and that, though I’ve tried, again and again, always the one chasing after it, I still end up alone without it.
This blog is about me and that God has once again decided that my life is better without what I want.

Isn’t that depressing?
Well, in any case, I’m depressed.

I feel like I’ve been writing ‘At Your Convenience’ letters all my life.
‘At your convenience… please be my friend.’
‘At your convenience… please forgive me for something I didn’t do.’
‘At your convenience… please figure out if you like me so that I can see if I should continue liking you.’
‘At your convenience, bring me that someone who haunts my dreams but never stalks me when I’m awake.
‘At your convenience, you wouldn’t mind terribly, would you, if I was myself today?’

I’ve gone through my life, feeling like a folded piece of scratch paper, like a tied knot, like a jack-in-a-box.
Contained
Unwanted
Alone

I’ve always pursued the relationships that I’ve been in. (and I know that there are some of you that are reading this and have pursued my friendship. Know that I’m talking about you here. And thank you) I’ve always been the one to tell the guy that I like him. I’ve always been the one who asked the teacher, “Please, you wouldn’t mind if i wrote a little MORE of an essay than the other kids. Since that is who I am… I guess.’

And I’m TIRED of it. It’s so exhausting always being the one who says something first, who makes the first move, who chases after what I want. I mean, imagine being in a relay race and the person you are trying to hand the baton off to, instead of taking it, they take off and you have to run after them to hand them the baton. You’ve already used up your energy, and now you have to run faster to make up for them running away from you. My heart aches because no one will pursue ME! No one has chosen ME! There’s not a guy yet that has once told me, ‘I think you are something else. Would you like to go eat food?’

I need a guy who will choose me, not me choose him. I need someone who will be confident enough in himself that he will pursue me, chase after me, WANT…. ME. I’m tired of doing all the wanting and the chasing and the pursuing. It’s depressing.

I know what people are going to say, “Don’t worry, that right guy will come someday.”
“It’s okay, you just haven’t found him yet, but you will.”
“God just doesn’t think you are ready yet. Be patient.”
And where all of that is comforting and helpful two hours after it happens, Two days + is just too much. I want to cry it out. I want to be depressed. It won’t last long. I promise. I just want to be a girl for a little bit, isn’t that okay? I want to cry because I didn’t get the guy I wanted… again.

So I’m going to make a list. It makes me feel somewhat better and gives me a chance to tell myself reasons why this last guy wasn’t the one for me. Don’t worry, my friends, I will be back soon. I’m just in hiding at the moment. I’ll return to you in full sooner than later.

<3 Mr. Perfect <3

1. Must be confident enough in himself to pursue me and ask me out. No more of this nonsense of me making the first move.
2. Must be gentle and kind and treat me like a princess, but must be strong enough to pick me up and spin me when we are dancing or when he just takes a fancy in doing so.
3. Must have a sense of humor that I can understand… preferably, and, in turn, understand mine. That would be just fine, thank you.
4. Must have a good heart, good soul; love unconditionally.
5. Does not have to sing well, but must have an appreciation for music and, it wouldn’t hurt, if he enjoyed sneaking home from work and listening to me sing when I’m doing the dishes or paying the bills.
6. It wouldn’t hurt if the guy had some understanding of writing, seeing as how I love it, and so we could be able to talk about it, though I’m sure we’ll have lots to talk about.
7. He must love his family! It’s okay if they aren’t the greatest parents in the world and we can make fun of them occasionally, but he must be willing to die for them, sacrifice everything for them. This is important to me.
8. He must fall in love with my family! As much as I love them, my guy must take us all if he wants me. I’m not saying that they all move in with us, I’m just saying, they aren’t half bad and I love them ardently. Where I go, their hearts come with me.
9. He must love kids.
10. He must love dogs!!! (hated that move)
11. He must be okay with me wanting to homeschool our kids.
12. He must be a romantic. Roses, chocolates, dancing, the whole shabang. It would make me feel better about myself.
13. He must be loyal. Like my father. He must never look at another woman with as much passion, as much love, as much lust (yes, I said lust.. It’s not sinful unless put in the wrong context ya know. I’m serious, look it up in the dictionary) with as much wonder as he feels when he looks upon me. I should be his only love. No one should be more beautiful to him than I am. (And I mean it. I’m not being haughty or vain, here.)
14. He must have a sense of humor, where No. 3 refers to him having a sense of humor I understand, it doesn’t indicate specifically that I want him to have the face to smile and laugh.
15. He must love pizza…. thought I’d through that in there.
16. He must have these qualities: faith, hope, trust, love, humility, self respect, self worth, passion, compassion, strength (in a spiritual way), unashamed to cry in my arms, and the will to live and to love.
17. (prime number!) He must support everything that I do, be there for our children, for our family. He must be the witness of my life, my legacy, the box I put my heart in. He must be willing to dance in the rain, have a special reason why he gives his children the names he gives them. He must have a love for God that makes me a better person. But most of all, he must be the mirror image of me; complete me in a way no one has ever completed me before.
This is my list. May it live on… may it be satisfied..